Actually, if you've gone beyond dating to marriage: You both actually do belong to each other. There's that "until death" part that Jews disregard since Moses...
I’m glad this popped up on my feed. It perfectly describes a long term partnership that I need to just finally exit. And it accurately describes my work setting and with a person who holds my livelihood in her hands. My direct supervisor.
How interesting. I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my husband of 30 years. I feel like he considers me an extension of himself and gets sulky when I do my own thing. When I try to communicate with him he interrupts me constantly and talks down at me. I’ve been spending years tolerating his mean and controlling behavior. I’m at the point I just want to divorce him for peace and quiet. I’ve never stood up to him. I never thought to put it that way to say I love you but fuck you. You don’t own me nor do you have a right to tell me how to behave. He hates that I do things on my own without him from time to time or if I do something without telling him.
I’m nearing 62 now and divorced for 16 years. Still solo and have learned to embrace the peace and quiet and stillness. It took time because I was with my husband from 19-45. Married for 22 of those total years. I realized one day I was always justifying his behaviors and our marital tension through the ‘for better or worse, in good times and bad’ vows. But guess what I also realized? There were very few ‘better and good’. Our marriage was emotionally exhausting. That’s when I knew divorce was the only option.
Some messages need to be articulated differently in order to make their true point. This one is mine, just in other words, and it works much better. Good one.
Great essay, Dr. Jade!! True love doesn't require self-abandonment, and it includes being able to dislike certain things about the other person while still holding them with respect. Thank you for your words!
This is fantastic. It so happens that yesterday I had a moment where someone who's been in my life a very long time showed me cruelty and then tried to move on like nothing happened. I could have done what I've always done, go along with it and shield him from the consequences of his bad behavior, but I didn't. Before I would have continued chatting with him about inconsequential things while seething with resentment and trying to find the balance between sounding friendly enough to hide my anger and distant enough to not feel like I was completely betraying myself, which is so draining. But instead I realized that I could just...not respond. I told him he was cruel, he didn't care and doubled down on it, and then he tried to chat about my Thanksgiving plans? No thank you. And today I woke up feeling like I live in a brand new world.
“I love you, but fuck you” can be translated as:
I’m yours, but you don’t own me.
I belong with you, but I don’t belong to you.
Actually, if you've gone beyond dating to marriage: You both actually do belong to each other. There's that "until death" part that Jews disregard since Moses...
I’m glad this popped up on my feed. It perfectly describes a long term partnership that I need to just finally exit. And it accurately describes my work setting and with a person who holds my livelihood in her hands. My direct supervisor.
Thank you. 🙏
This! — “I love you… but fuck you” — is exactly what happens when a woman finally stops negotiating with her own truth.
It’s not rage. It’s not rebellion.
It’s the moment your nervous system chooses coherence over performance.
Beautifully articulated.
Oh yes.
I smile as I look back and see many places in my life where I wish I was able to say this.
And I can see my self doing it now. That's growth right there.
Same. Good growth my friend.
How interesting. I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my husband of 30 years. I feel like he considers me an extension of himself and gets sulky when I do my own thing. When I try to communicate with him he interrupts me constantly and talks down at me. I’ve been spending years tolerating his mean and controlling behavior. I’m at the point I just want to divorce him for peace and quiet. I’ve never stood up to him. I never thought to put it that way to say I love you but fuck you. You don’t own me nor do you have a right to tell me how to behave. He hates that I do things on my own without him from time to time or if I do something without telling him.
I’m nearing 62 now and divorced for 16 years. Still solo and have learned to embrace the peace and quiet and stillness. It took time because I was with my husband from 19-45. Married for 22 of those total years. I realized one day I was always justifying his behaviors and our marital tension through the ‘for better or worse, in good times and bad’ vows. But guess what I also realized? There were very few ‘better and good’. Our marriage was emotionally exhausting. That’s when I knew divorce was the only option.
Duh... "For better or worse?" Seems like you only pledged "Better."
My new favorite mantra thanks to you my friend!
I love this! It so true how we change with age. I learned that boundary. I also was taught it by my partner.
So much respect for the relationship!
Thanks for sharing Dr Jade!
Thank you Renee
Some messages need to be articulated differently in order to make their true point. This one is mine, just in other words, and it works much better. Good one.
Great essay, Dr. Jade!! True love doesn't require self-abandonment, and it includes being able to dislike certain things about the other person while still holding them with respect. Thank you for your words!
i’ve been dealing with this exact same situation! thanks for sharing and we will be using these insights!
This is fantastic. It so happens that yesterday I had a moment where someone who's been in my life a very long time showed me cruelty and then tried to move on like nothing happened. I could have done what I've always done, go along with it and shield him from the consequences of his bad behavior, but I didn't. Before I would have continued chatting with him about inconsequential things while seething with resentment and trying to find the balance between sounding friendly enough to hide my anger and distant enough to not feel like I was completely betraying myself, which is so draining. But instead I realized that I could just...not respond. I told him he was cruel, he didn't care and doubled down on it, and then he tried to chat about my Thanksgiving plans? No thank you. And today I woke up feeling like I live in a brand new world.
Ugh! I hate that for you Jess. But good for you putting a stop to it
this is the one ☝🏾
💪🏽
Appreciate you Heather