Actually, if you've gone beyond dating to marriage: You both actually do belong to each other. There's that "until death" part that Jews disregard since Moses...
What stands out to me is that the strongest line isn't actually "I love you, but fuck you." It's the deeper principle underneath it: love without self-abandonment.
So many of us learned that preserving connection required sacrificing authenticity. But relationships become truly intimate only when both people are free to bring their whole selves, including disagreement, boundaries, and truth.
I've found that the most transformative boundaries aren't fueled by anger. They're remarkably calm. They carry no need to punish or convince. They simply communicate: "I care about you, and I care enough about myself not to participate in this pattern anymore." Ironically, that kind of clarity often creates more space for genuine love, not less.
I’m glad this popped up on my feed. It perfectly describes a long term partnership that I need to just finally exit. And it accurately describes my work setting and with a person who holds my livelihood in her hands. My direct supervisor.
How interesting. I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my husband of 30 years. I feel like he considers me an extension of himself and gets sulky when I do my own thing. When I try to communicate with him he interrupts me constantly and talks down at me. I’ve been spending years tolerating his mean and controlling behavior. I’m at the point I just want to divorce him for peace and quiet. I’ve never stood up to him. I never thought to put it that way to say I love you but fuck you. You don’t own me nor do you have a right to tell me how to behave. He hates that I do things on my own without him from time to time or if I do something without telling him.
I’m nearing 62 now and divorced for 16 years. Still solo and have learned to embrace the peace and quiet and stillness. It took time because I was with my husband from 19-45. Married for 22 of those total years. I realized one day I was always justifying his behaviors and our marital tension through the ‘for better or worse, in good times and bad’ vows. But guess what I also realized? There were very few ‘better and good’. Our marriage was emotionally exhausting. That’s when I knew divorce was the only option.
" I love you but fuck you"... I am exactly there with my husband after 16 years of wedding. I am 42 years old and recently about 3 months, I saw my relationships with my husband and other family members with such clarity. How I sacrificed myself and became a small version of myself out of fear of abandonment? I choose myself and stop walking on egg shells out of fear...stop the emotional labour...I am letting all people who want to walk away free to do so... It is not easy..
"You stop performing, rescuing, cushioning, and abandoning yourself to keep the peace. You don’t love less… you love without losing yourself. And in a strange turn of outcome, this makes you able to love better and deeper".
💯🙏🏻💜
Saying no to stop saying yes. Stop seeing potential outside instead of within. Stop wasting energy. You love YOU better and deeper. Therefore, you will love the same way.
Some messages need to be articulated differently in order to make their true point. This one is mine, just in other words, and it works much better. Good one.
Great essay, Dr. Jade!! True love doesn't require self-abandonment, and it includes being able to dislike certain things about the other person while still holding them with respect. Thank you for your words!
This is fantastic. It so happens that yesterday I had a moment where someone who's been in my life a very long time showed me cruelty and then tried to move on like nothing happened. I could have done what I've always done, go along with it and shield him from the consequences of his bad behavior, but I didn't. Before I would have continued chatting with him about inconsequential things while seething with resentment and trying to find the balance between sounding friendly enough to hide my anger and distant enough to not feel like I was completely betraying myself, which is so draining. But instead I realized that I could just...not respond. I told him he was cruel, he didn't care and doubled down on it, and then he tried to chat about my Thanksgiving plans? No thank you. And today I woke up feeling like I live in a brand new world.
“I love you, but fuck you” can be translated as:
I’m yours, but you don’t own me.
I belong with you, but I don’t belong to you.
Actually, if you've gone beyond dating to marriage: You both actually do belong to each other. There's that "until death" part that Jews disregard since Moses...
What stands out to me is that the strongest line isn't actually "I love you, but fuck you." It's the deeper principle underneath it: love without self-abandonment.
So many of us learned that preserving connection required sacrificing authenticity. But relationships become truly intimate only when both people are free to bring their whole selves, including disagreement, boundaries, and truth.
I've found that the most transformative boundaries aren't fueled by anger. They're remarkably calm. They carry no need to punish or convince. They simply communicate: "I care about you, and I care enough about myself not to participate in this pattern anymore." Ironically, that kind of clarity often creates more space for genuine love, not less.
I’m glad this popped up on my feed. It perfectly describes a long term partnership that I need to just finally exit. And it accurately describes my work setting and with a person who holds my livelihood in her hands. My direct supervisor.
Thank you. 🙏
This! — “I love you… but fuck you” — is exactly what happens when a woman finally stops negotiating with her own truth.
It’s not rage. It’s not rebellion.
It’s the moment your nervous system chooses coherence over performance.
Beautifully articulated.
Oh yes.
I smile as I look back and see many places in my life where I wish I was able to say this.
And I can see my self doing it now. That's growth right there.
Same. Good growth my friend.
How interesting. I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my husband of 30 years. I feel like he considers me an extension of himself and gets sulky when I do my own thing. When I try to communicate with him he interrupts me constantly and talks down at me. I’ve been spending years tolerating his mean and controlling behavior. I’m at the point I just want to divorce him for peace and quiet. I’ve never stood up to him. I never thought to put it that way to say I love you but fuck you. You don’t own me nor do you have a right to tell me how to behave. He hates that I do things on my own without him from time to time or if I do something without telling him.
I’m nearing 62 now and divorced for 16 years. Still solo and have learned to embrace the peace and quiet and stillness. It took time because I was with my husband from 19-45. Married for 22 of those total years. I realized one day I was always justifying his behaviors and our marital tension through the ‘for better or worse, in good times and bad’ vows. But guess what I also realized? There were very few ‘better and good’. Our marriage was emotionally exhausting. That’s when I knew divorce was the only option.
Duh... "For better or worse?" Seems like you only pledged "Better."
My new favorite mantra thanks to you my friend!
I love this! It so true how we change with age. I learned that boundary. I also was taught it by my partner.
So much respect for the relationship!
Thanks for sharing Dr Jade!
Thank you Renee
" I love you but fuck you"... I am exactly there with my husband after 16 years of wedding. I am 42 years old and recently about 3 months, I saw my relationships with my husband and other family members with such clarity. How I sacrificed myself and became a small version of myself out of fear of abandonment? I choose myself and stop walking on egg shells out of fear...stop the emotional labour...I am letting all people who want to walk away free to do so... It is not easy..
Great article ! I try purposely wiggle into the grey area . Things are not always what they seem . And boundaries are so necessary. Especially now .
I always keep a back door open for em in case things shift :))
"You stop performing, rescuing, cushioning, and abandoning yourself to keep the peace. You don’t love less… you love without losing yourself. And in a strange turn of outcome, this makes you able to love better and deeper".
💯🙏🏻💜
Saying no to stop saying yes. Stop seeing potential outside instead of within. Stop wasting energy. You love YOU better and deeper. Therefore, you will love the same way.
Some messages need to be articulated differently in order to make their true point. This one is mine, just in other words, and it works much better. Good one.
Great essay, Dr. Jade!! True love doesn't require self-abandonment, and it includes being able to dislike certain things about the other person while still holding them with respect. Thank you for your words!
i’ve been dealing with this exact same situation! thanks for sharing and we will be using these insights!
This is fantastic. It so happens that yesterday I had a moment where someone who's been in my life a very long time showed me cruelty and then tried to move on like nothing happened. I could have done what I've always done, go along with it and shield him from the consequences of his bad behavior, but I didn't. Before I would have continued chatting with him about inconsequential things while seething with resentment and trying to find the balance between sounding friendly enough to hide my anger and distant enough to not feel like I was completely betraying myself, which is so draining. But instead I realized that I could just...not respond. I told him he was cruel, he didn't care and doubled down on it, and then he tried to chat about my Thanksgiving plans? No thank you. And today I woke up feeling like I live in a brand new world.
Ugh! I hate that for you Jess. But good for you putting a stop to it
this is the one ☝🏾
💪🏽