This is a really clean articulation of the difference between being real and just being unfiltered.
One other layer I’ve come to see: The “authentic asshole” isn’t just choosing the wrong self.
They’re expressing from a structure that can’t yet hold both truth and relationship at the same time.
So the system defaults to expression without containment —
and calls that honesty.
But real authenticity seems to require both: the ability to stay with what’s true and the capacity to deliver it in a way that can actually be received.
Without that capacity, nothing reorganises. It just loops.
Jade, using authenticity as a shield to avoid the friction of personal growth is the defining failure of modern self-help. People have convinced themselves that adapting their delivery to their environment is somehow fake, rather than basic cognitive calibration. If your "true self" requires everyone else to constantly lower their standards, you aren't authentic; you are simply rigid. This is a brilliant distillation of the actual psychology.
Growing up, someone in my family did the 'brutally honest' version of this, “I’m just being honest.” What they called being brutally honest was projection, used to harm and tear everyone else down so they could feel better about themselves.
This taught me a great lesson. I can be honest AND kind. Honesty doesn’t have to be used as a weapon.
This is profound I took so much away with me from this article thank you.
This is a really clean articulation of the difference between being real and just being unfiltered.
One other layer I’ve come to see: The “authentic asshole” isn’t just choosing the wrong self.
They’re expressing from a structure that can’t yet hold both truth and relationship at the same time.
So the system defaults to expression without containment —
and calls that honesty.
But real authenticity seems to require both: the ability to stay with what’s true and the capacity to deliver it in a way that can actually be received.
Without that capacity, nothing reorganises. It just loops.
Jade, using authenticity as a shield to avoid the friction of personal growth is the defining failure of modern self-help. People have convinced themselves that adapting their delivery to their environment is somehow fake, rather than basic cognitive calibration. If your "true self" requires everyone else to constantly lower their standards, you aren't authentic; you are simply rigid. This is a brilliant distillation of the actual psychology.
Dr Tom Kane
Always appreciate how fast you can distill it all down my friend. 🙏🏽
Growing up, someone in my family did the 'brutally honest' version of this, “I’m just being honest.” What they called being brutally honest was projection, used to harm and tear everyone else down so they could feel better about themselves.
This taught me a great lesson. I can be honest AND kind. Honesty doesn’t have to be used as a weapon.
100% my friend